Why some of us take responsibility for other people’s feelings?

Taking responsibility for other people’s feelings is a common pattern, and it can stem from several psychological and emotional factors. Here are some reasons why this might happen:

1. Early attachment patterns

In childhood, the way our emotional needs were met by caregivers often shape how we relate to others emotionally as adults. If a child grew up in an environment where they had to manage or mitigate the emotional reactions of a parent or caregiver (perhaps due to neglect, emotional unavailability, or instability), they might internalise the belief that it’s their job to caretake or control others’ emotions. This can result in a heightened sense of responsibility for other people’s feelings later in life.

2. Codependency

People who struggle with codependency often feel responsible for others’ emotional well-being. This pattern typically develops from a need to feel needed or valued, especially in relationships where one partner might be emotionally dependent or demanding. The codependent individual may start to derive their sense of self-worth from the role of ‘fixer’ or ‘caregiver’ in the relationship, making them overly sensitive to the emotional states of others.

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3. Empathy and sensitivity

Some people have high levels of empathy and emotional sensitivity, which can make them more attuned to the emotions of others. While empathy is generally a positive trait, when taken to an extreme, it can lead to over-identification with other people’s feelings. This can create a tendency to feel responsible for others’ moods or emotional states, even when they have no control over them. 

4. Fear of conflict or rejection

A deep-seated fear of conflict, rejection, or abandonment can drive someone to take on the emotional burden of others. They may feel that if they can manage or alter someone else’s emotions, they can avoid conflict or maintain harmony in the relationship. This can be especially true for people who grew up in environments where emotional safety felt precarious, or they had to ‘walk on eggshells’ to avoid upsetting someone else.

5. Guilt and shame

Some individuals take on the responsibility for others’ feelings because they feel guilty or ashamed if someone else is upset. This can be tied to a belief that they ‘should’ be able to fix the situation or make others feel better. The underlying belief might be that if they don’t manage others’ emotions, they are somehow failing or neglecting their responsibilities as a friend, partner, or family member.

Boundaries are the foundation of healthy relationships; they foster respect and mutual understanding.

– John Gottman –

6. People-pleasing

People-pleasing tendencies often involve putting the needs and feelings of others ahead of one’s own in order to gain approval, avoid disapproval, or be liked. This can lead to taking responsibility for other people’s feelings, as the person may fear that if they don’t manage or “fix” how others feel, they will be judged or rejected. 

7. Lack of boundaries

Some people struggle with setting and maintaining healthy emotional boundaries. Without clear boundaries, it becomes hard to differentiate between one’s own feelings and the feelings of others. As a result, they may absorb or feel responsible for emotions that don’t actually belong to them. They may also feel compelled to act in ways that make others feel better, even at the expense of their own emotional well-being.

8. Cultural or societal expectations

In some cultures or families, there may be implicit or explicit expectations that one should care for others’ emotional states, particularly in the role of a parent, partner, or friend. In these situations, individuals might be conditioned to take responsibility for the feelings of others as a way of fulfilling their social or familial role.

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9. Low self-worth

Some individuals may tie their self-esteem to their ability to care for others and feel that their value is dependent on helping others feel better. This often leads to neglecting one’s own emotional needs and prioritising others’ feelings, sometimes at a personal cost. This can be a way of compensating for deep-rooted feelings of inadequacy or unworthiness.

10. Desire to be needed

For some, taking responsibility for others’ feelings is a way to feel important or needed. It can be a way of securing one’s place in a relationship or in the world, especially if the person feels that their worth is tied to their ability to help or take care of others.

While being attuned to others’ emotions is important for healthy relationships, taking on excessive responsibility for them can be emotionally draining and create imbalance. It can lead to burnout, resentment, and a lack of personal boundaries. When we overly focus on other people’s feelings, we may neglect our own emotional needs and sense of self. Over time, this dynamic can create unhealthy patterns of behaviour in relationships, with one person feeling overly burdened and the other feeling overly dependent.

It can be helpful to develop stronger emotional boundaries and recognise that while it’s compassionate to care about others, we are not responsible for their feelings or actions. Practising self-awareness, learning how to differentiate between your emotions and someone else’s, and fostering a sense of self-worth that is not reliant on fixing or managing others’ emotional states can help in creating healthier, more balanced relationships.