Why conflict feels so scary for some

Conflict is a complex issue, and it can feel really scary for some people due to a combination of psychological, emotional, and past experiences. Here we explore the underlying reasons:

1. Fear of rejection or abandonment

For many, conflict triggers a deep-seated fear of being rejected or abandoned. If someone has experienced rejection or emotional neglect in the past, especially in early childhood or significant relationships, they tend to worry that conflict will lead to being ‘shut out’ or emotionally dismissed. This fear can make conflict feel unbearable.

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2. Low self-esteem

When someone doesn’t feel good about themselves or their ability to handle difficult situations, they may avoid conflict to prevent any potential criticism, judgment, and hurt. They might worry that their opinions won’t be valued, or that they won’t be able to stand up for themselves in the face of confrontation or disagreement.

3. Past trauma or abuse

For individuals who have faced verbal, emotional, or physical abuse, conflict can be particularly triggering. In these situations, conflict is associated with harm and danger, so even minor disagreements can feel threatening. This can lead people to avoid confrontation entirely.

Peace is not absence of conflict, it is the ability to handle conflict by peaceful means.

– Ronald Reagan –

4. Uncertainty or fear of the unknown

Conflict often means stepping into an uncomfortable and unpredictable space. Some people find the uncertainty of how the other person will react and how things will turn out after a disagreement to be so unsettling that they avoid engaging in it altogether. This is especially true for people who value harmony and predictability.

5. Difficulty with emotional regulation

Some individuals may struggle with managing intense emotions like anger, sadness, and frustration, which can be expected during conflict. If they’re afraid they won’t be able to control those emotions or that they’ll escalate the situation, they may choose to avoid conflict to maintain emotional safety.

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6. Cultural or family conditioning

Certain family dynamics or cultural environments promote the idea that conflict is something to be avoided, or that it’s a sign of failure. For instance, in some cultures, maintaining ‘face’, pride, or preserving harmony is highly prioritised. People raised in these environments may internalise the idea that conflict is inherently bad or shameful.

7. Perfectionism and people-pleasing

People who have a tendency to please others or have perfectionistic tendencies may fear conflict because they worry they’ll disappoint or upset others. They might go to great lengths to keep everyone happy, avoiding confrontation at all costs.

All these factors can make conflict feel very threatening, even when it might be relatively low-stakes. The anxiety often stems from the fear of emotional pain, loss of connection, or simply the discomfort of navigating tense or challenging conversations.