Why can’t I relax around others

The inability to relax around others can stem from a combination of personality traits, past experiences, biological factors, and social conditioning. It’s often about how safe someone feels in the moment, and that feeling of safety can vary greatly depending on the person and the context.

Some of the most common reasons include:

1. Social anxiety

This is one of the most common reasons why someone might struggle to relax around others. People with social anxiety often experience a lot of fear or nervousness in social situations, fearing judgment, rejection, or embarrassment. Their minds may become preoccupied with what others think of them, leading to a heightened state of alertness, which can make it difficult to feel at ease.

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2. Past experiences or trauma

If a person has had negative or traumatic experiences in social settings — such as bullying, rejection, or feeling unsupported — they may develop a heightened sense of vigilance around others. Even if the social environment is safe now, the body and mind can stay in a “fight-or-flight” mode, making it hard to relax.

3. Attachment issues

Our early childhood relationships with caregivers can play a big role in how we feel around others as adults. If someone experienced inconsistent, neglectful, or overly critical caregiving, they might have developed attachment patterns that make it difficult to feel safe or secure with others. They may struggle with trust or feel emotionally distant, even in friendly or supportive environments.

What people in the world think of you is really none of your business.

– Martha Graham –

4. Low self-esteem

If someone has low self-esteem or struggles with self-worth, they might feel like they’re not enough in social situations. This can make them overly self-conscious, leading to a lack of ease when interacting with others. They might worry about being judged or think they’re not deserving of positive attention, which can make it hard to let go and relax.

5. Overthinking and perfectionism

Some individuals have a tendency to overanalyse social situations, constantly replaying interactions in their heads. This can prevent them from being present in the moment and can create a lot of stress. Perfectionism often accompanies this, where the person feels they must meet a certain standard in every social interaction — adding extra pressure to ‘get it right’.

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6. Cultural or environmental influences

Cultural norms or familial expectations can play a role in how relaxed someone feels in social situations. For example, if someone grew up in an environment where there were high expectations to behave a certain way, be successful, or constantly perform, they may carry that pressure into adult life. This can make it harder to simply relax around others.

7. Neurobiological factors

Some people may have a natural predisposition toward heightened sensitivity to external stimuli. This could be due to differences in brain chemistry. This could make social situations feel more overwhelming or taxing, even when they’re not inherently threatening.

8. Lack of social skills or experience

In some cases, people may not have had a lot of practice or positive experiences with socialising. This can make it harder to read social cues, navigate group dynamics, or feel confident in social settings. Without experience, the brain can default to anxiety or avoidance, rather than relaxation.

Everyone feels uncomfortable around others from time to time and in certain social situations. If it occurs frequently or interferes with how you want to live your life, understanding the factors involved is the first step in the right direction.