What to expect when we start setting healthy boundaries

It’s a given that we’d experience difficulties when we try to set healthy personal boundaries, particularly with people who have come to rely on our lack of boundaries. When we don’t set clear limits on how others can treat us — whether in relationships, work, or social situations — there may be an unspoken, habitual pattern that forms. This pattern often allows others to take advantage of us or demands more than we can reasonably give. Over time, this becomes the norm for everyone involved. It’s a dynamic where others may not even realise that they are benefiting from our lack of boundaries, but they have learned to expect certain things from us — whether it be our time, emotional labour, or support.

Setting boundaries is challenging a pattern that has worked for everyone at your expense.

– Glennon Doyle –

Here are the most common reasons why setting boundaries is so challenging:

1. History of accommodation

For example, if we have always said yes to helping a colleague, even when it’s inconvenient for us, they come to expect that as the norm. Our pattern of accommodating their needs has worked for them, but it has been at our expense, causing us stress or resentment over time.

2. Fear of rejection or conflict

Setting a boundary means we are actively choosing to prioritise our own needs over others’. This can feel like a threat to relationships because it breaks the established dynamic. People may react negatively, either because they are used to us being available without limits or because they feel entitled to our time and energy. The fear of upsetting people or being judged can make this shift difficult.

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3. Guilt

Often, when we start setting boundaries, we feel guilty, as if we are being selfish. This guilt arises from the idea that others’ needs are more important than our own, or that saying no is inherently wrong. But in reality, boundaries are not about denying others; they are about making sure we preserve our own well-being and limits.

4. Fear of losing connection

We fear that if we set boundaries, we will alienate others, lose friendships, or cause conflict in relationships. This fear can make it harder to break the ingrained pattern of always accommodating others, as it feels safer to continue going along with what others expect, even if it harms us.

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5. External Expectations

In many cultures, there is often pressure to be ‘good’, ‘helpful’, or ‘accommodating’. If we have internalised these values, setting boundaries might feel like we’re not living up to those societal or familial expectations, which can lead to internal conflict.

By setting a boundary, we are changing the dynamic — breaking the pattern of behaviour that has previously worked for others but at the cost of our own well-being. It’s a challenging but necessary process of redefining our relationships with others, establishing what is acceptable for us, and learning to say no when necessary. Ultimately, it’s about taking control over our own life and ensuring that our needs are met, not just the needs of those around you.