What causes ‘approach and avoid’ behaviour

‘Approach and avoid’ describe a pattern where someone may simultaneously crave intimacy and connection while also fearing it, leading to a push-pull dynamic in  personal relationships. It’s often linked to attachment styles, emotional regulation, underlying fears, or unmet needs.

Here are some reasons why this might happen:

1. Attachment styles

• Anxious attachment: Individuals with an anxious attachment style often crave closeness and reassurance from their partner, but they may also be prone to fears of abandonment. This can cause them to approach their partner when they feel secure, but pull away or avoid when they feel uncertain or overwhelmed by the possibility of rejection or emotional pain.
• Avoidant attachment: Those with an avoidant attachment style tend to value independence and can be uncomfortable with too much emotional closeness. They might approach intimacy when they feel safe or detached enough, but avoid it when it becomes too emotionally intense or they feel trapped.
• Disorganized attachment: People with this style often show a mix of anxious and avoidant behaviours. They might want closeness but also fear it because of past trauma, creating a pattern of wanting connection but simultaneously pushing it away when it feels too threatening or difficult.

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2. Fear of vulnerability

Vulnerability can feel scary for many people, especially if they’ve experienced betrayal, emotional neglect, or trauma in the past. So, they might approach a relationship when they feel emotionally safe but avoid it when it requires deeper emotional openness or the possibility of getting hurt.

3. Previous relationship experiences

People who’ve been hurt in past relationships (e.g., through infidelity, emotional abuse, or abandonment) might find it difficult to trust again. This fear of history repeating itself can make them exhibit ‘approach and avoid’ behavior, where they want connection but fear it will lead to pain or disappointment.

4. Emotional regulation difficulties

Some people have trouble regulating their emotions. This could stem from growing up in an environment where emotional expression was discouraged, or from having experienced overwhelming emotions that felt hard to manage. When they get close to someone, they might feel flooded or overstimulated by the intensity of the emotions involved, prompting them to avoid the connection as a way to self-protect.

If fear is the great enemy of intimacy, love is its true friend.

– Henri Nouwen –

5. Low self-esteem or self-worth

If someone struggles with their self-esteem, they might desire closeness and validation from others but also fear they’re not worthy of love or might be rejected. This can create a paradox where they reach out for connection, but then retreat to protect themselves from potential disappointment.

6. Unmet needs in the relationship

Sometimes the ‘approach and avoid’ behaviour comes from a mismatch in what both partners need emotionally. For example, one person might need more space or autonomy, while the other person might need more closeness and affirmation. These differing needs can cause the individual to approach the relationship when things feel right, but avoid it when their emotional needs aren’t being met or when there’s discomfort in the relationship.

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7. Personality traits

Certain personality traits, like those seen in people with high neuroticism or introversion, can lead to this push-pull behaviour. They might enjoy close relationships but also feel drained by the emotional energy required to maintain them, leading to cycles of wanting closeness and then pulling back when things get too intense.

8. Fear of losing independence

For some people, the fear of losing themselves in a relationship or losing their independence can cause them to pull back after getting close. This is common in those who value autonomy and self-reliance but also want the benefits of a close connection.

‘Approach and avoid’ dynamic is a complex pattern, but understanding the dynamics can really bring clarity — helping individuals to understand the underlying fears and unmet needs, and work on resolving the internal conflicts that contribute to this cycle in their relationships.