How to stop feeling responsible for others’ feelings

Feeling responsible for others’ feelings is a very common struggle and is often linked to things like people-pleasing tendencies, perfectionism, or even trauma history. It can create a lot of emotional burden, because we internalise others’ moods or reactions as though they are our job to manage. But in reality, while we can offer support or empathy, we cannot control or own other people’s emotional states.

Here are some steps that might help in reducing that feeling of responsibility for others’ emotions:

1. Recognise and acknowledge our own boundaries

Start by understanding that everyone is responsible for their own emotions, including our loved ones and close friends. When we care about others, we naturally empathise with them, but we can often lose sight of where their feelings end and ours begin. Establishing mental and emotional boundaries is essential in reminding ourselves that other people’s emotions are theirs to navigate.

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2. Distinguish between empathy and responsibility

Empathy involves understanding and sharing in someone else’s feelings. Responsibility means we believe we have to fix those feelings. One is about understanding, and the other is about taking on emotional labour that isn’t ours. We can feel deeply for someone without feeling like their emotional well-being is our responsibility.

3. Challenge the mindset of ‘I should fix this’ 

When we feel responsible for someone’s emotions, we might also feel a sense of urgency or pressure to make them feel better. This pressure can be draining and lead to burnout. Challenge ourselves to ask, ‘Is it my job to fix this?’ or ‘Am I truly responsible for how they feel?’ Often, the answer is no, and simply acknowledging that can provide relief.

Those who get angry when you set a boundary are the ones you need to set boundaries for.

– J.S. Wolfe –

4. Practice emotional detachment 

Emotional detachment doesn’t mean becoming cold or distant, but rather learning to allow others to experience their feelings without automatically absorbing them. We can show care and love without feeling personally affected by their emotional state. This might involve stepping back and mentally saying to ourself, ‘I can love them, but I don’t have to carry their feelings for them.’

5. Develop self-awareness and self-compassion 

The more we practise recognising our own emotional triggers, the more we can notice when we’re starting to take on someone else’s emotions. Mindfulness exercises, journaling, or even just pausing to check in with ourselves throughout the day can help us recognise this dynamic. Self-compassion is key here — be kind to ourselves when we notice we’re doing it, and remind ourselves that it’s okay to let go.

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6. Communicate our needs and boundaries 

If someone is leaning on us too much or expecting us to manage their emotions, it’s important to set limits in a kind but clear way. This might look like saying, ‘I understand you’re upset, and I want to be here for you, but I’m also feeling drained right now. Can we find another way to handle this?’ Or, ‘I can listen and support, but I can’t carry the weight of your feelings for you.’

7. Engage in activities that nurture our own emotional well-being 

Lastly, make sure we’re taking care of our own emotional needs. When we feel well-balanced and emotionally grounded, it’s easier to keep other people’s emotions at a healthy distance. Engage in self-care practices that give us a sense of peace and joy, whether it’s through exercise, meditation, creative pursuits, or time with friends who support us.

It’s also important to remember that breaking free from the habit of feeling responsible for others’ feelings takes time. It’s a process of shifting our mindset and practising new behaviours. But over time, we can develop healthier emotional boundaries.